Hello! I slept well last night, but feel like I haven't slept in days. I didn't go to bed until 1:00AM because I stood in my standing frame watching television, maybe that is why I feel like doo doo. Yawn!!
I had a phone interview Friday for a receptionist position and thought it went ok. The person I spoke with told me I will get an e-mail to schedule the next phone interview. Well, I haven't gotten that email yet and I'm getting discouraged. :( If I wasn't going to get the second interview, would she tell me to look out for an e-mail that I will never receive?? I would hope not, but I may never know. Hmmmm My paranoia is asking me, "Did I have to many ummms when I spoke? Did I say alrighty when I should have said alright? Did I say yea instead of yes?? Ugh!!!
Today I saw an elderly woman walking through the Kroger parking lot. She must have been 85. I said out loud "I wish my Mom would have lived to be that age" which caused my nursing assistant to ask what happened. I said "She was an alcoholic and died at 52" Hearing myself say that out loud made me get teary eyed and caused my voice to shake. I had not felt that sort of emotion in years!
I have held a grudge against my Mother for years! I have so much animosity towards her that it makes me seem like a cold hard rock. I feel like when I had my car accident, she immediately used it as an excuse for her actions. Her drinking, her retiring at age 44, her absence. She would go months without visiting and when she did, she stayed long enough to say hi and bye. She would reek of vodka and many often times be visibly intoxicated. I often felt like she despised me and I felt very much like I had no Mother. My dad sat back and could see what she was doing to me. He often kept quiet, but when I talked about it, he chimed in. What I didn't have in a Mother, my dad made up for it times ten. He was there for me when she wasn't.
I believe if my Mother didn't use alcohol as a crutch, our relationship would have been much better. I say this because months before my car accident her, my sister and I were like best friends. She had quit drinking and was a different person. Our time together was full of laughter and fun, not tears and hatred like it ended up being in the end. On my part anyway.
If I could change one thing about the past with my Mom it would be to have more patience and keep an open mind to alcoholism and the deadly disease it is. I would want to take back my hatred. Tell her I love her. Tell her I forgive her. Tell her I'm sorry!
Wow Cindy. I am sitting here getting all teared up. Memories are flooding back in... Dads death has been so so hard for me. I do not think I have ever grieved normally. There is supposed to be some kind of normal cycle people go through? I have never understood this. I have been so hurt over dad that it seems like I have just forgotten about mom? I think when mom passed away, we relied on dad and he relied on us for the emotional support. Maybe this was a good thing? We grieved together. Dads loss is still a nightmare to me! To think that we will never see him again is absolutely devastating for me! Cindy, you know my story at work. The building is brand new and just opened. I think I told you that the nurses are responsible for resident care as well until our census are up. We have two residents. I "cared" for the elderly man and woman like they were my parents. I thought about it all night; "If these were my parents, how would I want them cared for?" Ultimately, at the end of my shift, the residents were super clean and dry. Their rooms were tidy and clean. I left work knowing that someone elses parents were in good hands with me! I have so many regrets. So many regrets with both mom and dad! It makes you realize how short life really is. I could go on and on. Cindy, please keep writing! You really have a talent for writing whether you realize it or not! Your stories are very intriguing!! I Love You! Your Sister... Sherry
ReplyDeleteOk, take two. I totally just lost a huge paragraph I typed up! Ugh!
DeleteI'm glad you take pride in your job as a nurse! It's important that family feel confident that their loved ones are in good hands. :) Do you remember the hospice nurse who drenched herself in strong perfume? The one who hooked up dad's breathing treatment upside down? The one who blew dad's IV and the one who didn't want to irrigate his clogged catheter?? That was in a 30 minute period!! OMG!